i'm a ticking bomb waiting to explode

so. there seem to be a change of plans.

i'm no longer quitting this december.

i'm friends back with "ghost from the past".

i'm trying to expose the bf to certain areas in my life, which means people around me will know and acknowledge his real existence.

i need to lose all this drama.

i want to be me without needing to fear to be me.

does that make any sense?

perpetually stuck in a rut

i think i officially hate 2009.
i have absolute no idea what i've achieved throughout this 12 months.
i just wasted 365 days of my life.

i've finally come to a point of devastation and frustration which is not really a good combination.
however, through constant indulgence of self pity through out this few months, i did succeed in realizing a few things that i need to do or rather ought to do and had begun doing for and with myself.

i don't know but i felt like shaking all this shackles from me.
firstly there's the 3 different cell groups that i've been attending through out this year.
i've finally come to shaking one off. well, have not officially announced it but have at least officially mentioned it to both my cell leader and assistant cell leader.

got rid of "ghost from the past".
he no longer bugs me. hopefully it will stay like that for a long time.

relationship with the ex is like perpetually stuck.
i'm back to feeling as though we never did break up.
i'm back to feeling as though i need to break up with him to get my life moving.

relationship with friends?
yes... somehow a big giant billboard is telling me that i ought to have that one friend that i can go to.
that one friend that i can totally count for to go to in times of need.
that one friend that will be there for me no matter what.
that one friend that i can be accountable to and with despite anything.
question is... i have no idea who this friend is. sad ain't it.

quitting my job seems to be arriving soons.
i've got to from can't wait to oh my.
but i think i need to do it.
i think i need to actually go and find myself.
heck, i might even follow this guide i found.

it's a long shot, and i say why not

it's been a week since i've been back from my trip. the holiday was interestingly good. must say that i quite enjoyed my break.

although it did seem a-rush throughout the 6 days 5 nights. as i ventured through the fast paced concrete jungle filled with the hustle and bustle people moving and rushing around as well as the ever lighted symphony of lights not to mention the language barrier: my host (a friend back from my school days) made me feel totally at home.

initially it did not seem as though the trip was not any different than visiting yet another city - however, not only i did not regret going on this vacation but in some unexplainable way deep down i do know that something in me did change when i touched the solid ground of malaysia.

i came back with a heavy heart. craving so much for the non-committal freedom that i've tasted and wanted. it's not so much about commitment to a person - but more a less as i reflected throughout the pass months of this year - i felt as though i was very much struggling, fighting and wanting and needing to prove that i've achieved something that i do want someone to realize that i did put in that extra effort that yes, i did give a chance to that particular friendship - that i did give a shot to that particular relationship or that job - but you know what... all these years put together, trying to be something i'm not, not wanting to admit that i am clueless about where and what i am doing that indeed i am feeling sinister about almost everything... i am just so tired of actually taking life seriously.

i realize my wants actually shifted to me wanting that cozy apartment all to myself. that i don't actually mind coming home to a beautifully furnished empty home. maybe i get a cat that i'll name channel. not needing to feel obligated to meet up with anyone. having and knowing someone loves me. not having a care in the world. free. free from all obligations. free from all the knowledge of having to do this and that, this way and that way. listening to people talk about how life should be that how i ought to think about this and that. it just makes life such a job, and i'm sick and tired of all the crap cause seriously i think life is much more simple than everyone else makes it out to be.

i realize i want to strip everything away and just start afresh. new friends, new personality, new place... i want to pack up my bags and just leave reality forever. maybe i really do need that year gap to find myself.

" O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways."

half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save

life is rather funny.

you spend all your energy trying to go round it, to avoid it yet at the end of the day: it stares right back at you.

it's been rather mundane lately. one of my colleague who has tendered her resignation would be leaving earlier than dated. somehow she managed to squeeze out of the 3 month notice period, and then somehow she had an extra 15 days of leave - which after all the deduction she only needed to stay for another 5 days or so.

myself? well... let's just say it's been rather tiring.

a month back, i had already settled upon leaving - wanting to tender on the 1st of this month. wanting to just take a year gap kinda thing to get to know myself a little better. to just get my hands on different things and experiences. a friend suggested that i could work at her orphanage to pass time. my initial plan was to take up psychology and get into art (creative) therapy.

well, let's just say work got in the way and before i even had the chance to talk to my mother, my friend had already suggested it to her mother first. i was quite uncomfortable and not happy that she did so: cause i guess, i wanted to settle things over at my side of the picture first, get everything cleared up only to confirm things with her then only we made arrangements and etc.

mother was pretty happy about it - basically cause i guess she is quite eager for me to be back home. she even spoke to an organization about it before i was able to do so. well, she did know that i was somewhat interested in psychology but she never did know about my plans on wanting to quit my job and volunteer.

dad was away on an OA trip so it wasn't really appropriate for me to discuss things with him until about 2 weeks after. he didn't really take things very well, cause he feels i'm not "ready" to work in a christian organization just yet cause my "heart" isn't there.

i've told a few friends about it and some added a few suggestions upon what was already there and frankly speaking whatever i was excited about seems lost somewhere out there. it's like i hate it when people ask me did (have) i prayed about it? i should fast and pray and etc.

yes, granted. do not get me wrong. i have nothing against praying and fasting: but somehow all this is pressurizing me. it's as though there's this bunch of rules or procedure that i'm suppose to follow and if i don't then i am practically screwed up for life kinda thing.

it's like after that i felt as though maybe i've not been praying right and that i've not been listening right. i know i should be focusing on what i want out of this one year gap - but i somehow want an answer that would just answer the questions of all the people around me, which i guess does not justify the means.

i enjoy my work. i hate that it makes me a workaholic and that i am not great at what i do, which leads to me not feeling appreciated in my workplace. it's seriously not about the money but more about acknowledgment that i'm at par. i hate it when i get all tired and exhausted that i don't feel like doing anything (even to eat) but just want to not do anything. i have not taken the initiative to create a healthy lifestyle. i know i'm not entirely happy where i'm at, at the moment and just need a time off to find myself.

i know i want to go places and see different faces. i want to experience the soft rays of morning sun on my face before i'm six feet under. i want to be able to just go through the simple things in life instead of running in some rat race that i don't even know what i'm running for and where i'm going.

i must admit that all this has gotten to me plus work as well that i've not put in the effort to spend time with God. *sigh* i miss my times of proper devotion. prolly, get it kicked start later when i get back.

so at this moment i'm blocking everything out, work as the days pass by cause i want to finish the rest of the 5 months to mark the end of my 6 years of working. therefore, when december comes i shall tender my resignation.

am on an emotional holiday

it's funny how things seem to work out on it's own. we both went for a movie about 2 weeks ago... and it was nice. it was a decent date.

visited his family after eons of not going over to his house. they acknowledge the break up. this happened cause his mum was not feeling well and was admitted to the hospital. i thought it was only rightful of me to pay a visit, exchanged a few words with his mum and sisters. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.

however, perhaps i oughta cut down on the calls. i've been calling him almost every single day. thing is, i guess i'm somewhat comfortable talking to him and i enjoy being with him cause i don't feel pressured or forced into accepting or doing something out of my own will.

i started realizing this when i was talking to "the ghost from my past". yeah, the points he gave was something i would have always wanted the ex to tell me. things like, oh i know that i'm not matured enough yet, therefore i can't afford to be in a relationship. i have to straighten my self out. focus on my career path. be the superman in the relationship. the girl does not need to pay for a sen, i will take care of things. be the man in the relationship. and each time we went out he paid. and he even begged me to let him take me out for a treat for my belated birthday dinner.

the last time we went out, i had on this spaghetti strapped top - however, since he was not my boyfriend, i covered myself with a shawl. and throughout the whole dinner he kept on asking me to take off the shawl saying i looked stupid with it and so forth.

the next was followed by a phone conversation which went a little bit awkward - but revealed the emotions from both parties. i don't know about him, but i knew i was playing with fire and frankly speaking - i just want to get out of the kitchen before the heat gets to me.

in the beginning i actually enjoyed all this lavish treatment.after a while, i got rather bored. i realize i don't want a superman or someone that can afford to cover the bills. both can carry a fair enough conversation with me. however, i guess the lost of respect came when he actually begged me to take me out for dinner.

i am flattered. however, the thing is i told him i was engaged and he ought to understand that if i declined him, it was because of obvious reasons. however, he had failed to understand the obvious.

i can laugh, talk and joke with him. making plans as each day come by without feeling pressured. making my own plans with friends. taking a day at a time. accepting the fact that perhaps one day i may no longer be the one in his arms. encouraging him to date other people.

i'm not looking for another relationship, or any relationship for the matter. i am currently on an emotional holiday. so yeah, am emotionally unavailable. and i think i like where i am at the moment.

torn apart

i seemed to have forgotten that i've started this blog in february this year and a lot has happened since.

i actually re-read all my posts, and realized that things has not been going as it is since march - which means 6 months had passed since we both supposedly have broken up.

lately things has been crazy at the office. so yeah, since my last post and to date i have not managed to meet up with the ex.

his mum has been asking for me - wanting me to drop by for a visit - which i decline to go and he tried to reason with me. i felt pressured, texted him that this was not how it ought to be: since we've declared to just being friends i shouldn't feel pressured. partially, i was pissed and stressed at work as well.

i want him to move on so badly. to forget me. to "cheat" on me. to get use to not having me in his life as his love one anymore.

i feel pressured that he makes me feel as though he is still relying on me - to go shopping with him, to drop by and visit his mother cause she misses me... cause deep down both of us still feel for this relationship and i don't think it's as crystal clear as "just being friends"... and i don't think it's healthy if i did visit his mother.

i think i've been going around in circles. yet some part of me felt that my life did change in some ways.

i think i gotta get out of the picture. prolly this just being friends thing will never work out properly. to date we probably had sex less than 5 times ever since we had broken up and agreed to "just being friends" - which means, 4 months has passed by.

we're always meant to say goodbye

15 days after a girlie session 2 days church conference, after having a complete hold of myself to know that i am whole and cleansed in Him, whiter than snow - i choose to succumb to my carnal desire.
15 days after my last post, i had sex (again) with the ex.
i had been lusting after my carnal desires sometime after my period.
maybe it was a post-period thing.
this happened on the last day of august. exactly 11 days ago.

so i guess, i have not seen him for 11 days already.
well, was suppose to - but work got in the way - which is good as well.

i really don't know what gives - was it the funeral ? was it post period?
i felt really jaded, then overwealmed with lust, and then buried with back to back jobs. it could have been stress for all i know but i guess we both know that it was just about sex and that i would not allow it to happen again. i do understand that this must be unfair to him as well. (or maybe not since i actually 'allowed' things to happen after 2 months of not having sex)

i'm really horrible for not able to keep focused and keep swerving to the right or the left. although it was quite a struggle to make level paths for my feet throughout the beginning of september yet i know that though i may stumble, and that i may fall, but on Christ the solid rock will i keep on standing.

i really don't know how i'm gonna be shinning for Him when i keep on stumbling. yet, i am determined to conquer this area in my life.
i mean, the first year back in 2007 i decided to stop drinking and i did.

well, technically when i first got into a relationship with the ex, back in late 2004 i rarely drink except maybe once a year thing with differerent circle of friends. mainly because he doesn't drink and he doesn't like drinkers as well. so it somehow got me guarded even more that i should watch my walk as well.

then in 2008 i vowed to stop smoking as well. so to count it is now 1 year and 9 months since i have officially stopped smoking. how did i do it? with great determination, lots of frustration and increase of weight. my mind still do on and off wander off to smoking-ville but the thought of the agony of quitting that i had to go through just gave all that a halt.

i guess, it's all about refocusing and yeah, the renewing of the mind thing. i choose to come out of this relationship because i know it's dysfunctional for me.

it has not been an easy 5 years, nor has it been totally horrible. in fact, part of me am glad of the things that i had learnt from him in this relationship. i'm glad as well that this mistake i made was with him and that he had indeed loved me. thought there was so much differences going on - the main one religion itself which contains the essence of our believe system was so different that i had to just let this relationship go. it's just not healthy for the both of us.

i guess as oxy-moron as this sound, i choose to want to honor God believing that He has the best out there for me. i guess, i wanted out from this relationship so bad so that other doors can be open as well. i somehow felt trapped in a cocoon and my wings were clipped on so hard that it hurts.

i also realized that as much as i want him to know my God, i have to first walk it right. so i guess, so far - the realization of us not being a couple has sunk in. it's gonna be a long process i guess since neither of us have really "moved on" to dating other people. however, i wouldn't know if he has since i have not really been spending time with him. we still do communicate through phone calls but that's about it.

i guess, things will slowly move on. as for me, i'm not planning on jumping into another relationship just yet either since although i'm somewhat "officially" single (status wise) but i know when i talk with him even though it's just on the phone - we're still not at the "just friends" level. i am free - yet at the same time i want him to realize that it's ok for him to date other people.
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