am on an emotional holiday

it's funny how things seem to work out on it's own. we both went for a movie about 2 weeks ago... and it was nice. it was a decent date.

visited his family after eons of not going over to his house. they acknowledge the break up. this happened cause his mum was not feeling well and was admitted to the hospital. i thought it was only rightful of me to pay a visit, exchanged a few words with his mum and sisters. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.

however, perhaps i oughta cut down on the calls. i've been calling him almost every single day. thing is, i guess i'm somewhat comfortable talking to him and i enjoy being with him cause i don't feel pressured or forced into accepting or doing something out of my own will.

i started realizing this when i was talking to "the ghost from my past". yeah, the points he gave was something i would have always wanted the ex to tell me. things like, oh i know that i'm not matured enough yet, therefore i can't afford to be in a relationship. i have to straighten my self out. focus on my career path. be the superman in the relationship. the girl does not need to pay for a sen, i will take care of things. be the man in the relationship. and each time we went out he paid. and he even begged me to let him take me out for a treat for my belated birthday dinner.

the last time we went out, i had on this spaghetti strapped top - however, since he was not my boyfriend, i covered myself with a shawl. and throughout the whole dinner he kept on asking me to take off the shawl saying i looked stupid with it and so forth.

the next was followed by a phone conversation which went a little bit awkward - but revealed the emotions from both parties. i don't know about him, but i knew i was playing with fire and frankly speaking - i just want to get out of the kitchen before the heat gets to me.

in the beginning i actually enjoyed all this lavish treatment.after a while, i got rather bored. i realize i don't want a superman or someone that can afford to cover the bills. both can carry a fair enough conversation with me. however, i guess the lost of respect came when he actually begged me to take me out for dinner.

i am flattered. however, the thing is i told him i was engaged and he ought to understand that if i declined him, it was because of obvious reasons. however, he had failed to understand the obvious.

i can laugh, talk and joke with him. making plans as each day come by without feeling pressured. making my own plans with friends. taking a day at a time. accepting the fact that perhaps one day i may no longer be the one in his arms. encouraging him to date other people.

i'm not looking for another relationship, or any relationship for the matter. i am currently on an emotional holiday. so yeah, am emotionally unavailable. and i think i like where i am at the moment.