life is rather funny.
you spend all your energy trying to go round it, to avoid it yet at the end of the day: it stares right back at you.
it's been rather mundane lately. one of my colleague who has tendered her resignation would be leaving earlier than dated. somehow she managed to squeeze out of the 3 month notice period, and then somehow she had an extra 15 days of leave - which after all the deduction she only needed to stay for another 5 days or so.
myself? well... let's just say it's been rather tiring.
a month back, i had already settled upon leaving - wanting to tender on the 1st of this month. wanting to just take a year gap kinda thing to get to know myself a little better. to just get my hands on different things and experiences. a friend suggested that i could work at her orphanage to pass time. my initial plan was to take up psychology and get into art (creative) therapy.
well, let's just say work got in the way and before i even had the chance to talk to my mother, my friend had already suggested it to her mother first. i was quite uncomfortable and not happy that she did so: cause i guess, i wanted to settle things over at my side of the picture first, get everything cleared up only to confirm things with her then only we made arrangements and etc.
mother was pretty happy about it - basically cause i guess she is quite eager for me to be back home. she even spoke to an organization about it before i was able to do so. well, she did know that i was somewhat interested in psychology but she never did know about my plans on wanting to quit my job and volunteer.
dad was away on an OA trip so it wasn't really appropriate for me to discuss things with him until about 2 weeks after. he didn't really take things very well, cause he feels i'm not "ready" to work in a christian organization just yet cause my "heart" isn't there.
i've told a few friends about it and some added a few suggestions upon what was already there and frankly speaking whatever i was excited about seems lost somewhere out there. it's like i hate it when people ask me did (have) i prayed about it? i should fast and pray and etc.
yes, granted. do not get me wrong. i have nothing against praying and fasting: but somehow all this is pressurizing me. it's as though there's this bunch of rules or procedure that i'm suppose to follow and if i don't then i am practically screwed up for life kinda thing.
it's like after that i felt as though maybe i've not been praying right and that i've not been listening right. i know i should be focusing on what i want out of this one year gap - but i somehow want an answer that would just answer the questions of all the people around me, which i guess does not justify the means.
i enjoy my work. i hate that it makes me a workaholic and that i am not great at what i do, which leads to me not feeling appreciated in my workplace. it's seriously not about the money but more about acknowledgment that i'm at par. i hate it when i get all tired and exhausted that i don't feel like doing anything (even to eat) but just want to not do anything. i have not taken the initiative to create a healthy lifestyle. i know i'm not entirely happy where i'm at, at the moment and just need a time off to find myself.
i know i want to go places and see different faces. i want to experience the soft rays of morning sun on my face before i'm six feet under. i want to be able to just go through the simple things in life instead of running in some rat race that i don't even know what i'm running for and where i'm going.
i must admit that all this has gotten to me plus work as well that i've not put in the effort to spend time with God. *sigh* i miss my times of proper devotion. prolly, get it kicked start later when i get back.
so at this moment i'm blocking everything out, work as the days pass by cause i want to finish the rest of the 5 months to mark the end of my 6 years of working. therefore, when december comes i shall tender my resignation.
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