it's a long shot, and i say why not

it's been a week since i've been back from my trip. the holiday was interestingly good. must say that i quite enjoyed my break.

although it did seem a-rush throughout the 6 days 5 nights. as i ventured through the fast paced concrete jungle filled with the hustle and bustle people moving and rushing around as well as the ever lighted symphony of lights not to mention the language barrier: my host (a friend back from my school days) made me feel totally at home.

initially it did not seem as though the trip was not any different than visiting yet another city - however, not only i did not regret going on this vacation but in some unexplainable way deep down i do know that something in me did change when i touched the solid ground of malaysia.

i came back with a heavy heart. craving so much for the non-committal freedom that i've tasted and wanted. it's not so much about commitment to a person - but more a less as i reflected throughout the pass months of this year - i felt as though i was very much struggling, fighting and wanting and needing to prove that i've achieved something that i do want someone to realize that i did put in that extra effort that yes, i did give a chance to that particular friendship - that i did give a shot to that particular relationship or that job - but you know what... all these years put together, trying to be something i'm not, not wanting to admit that i am clueless about where and what i am doing that indeed i am feeling sinister about almost everything... i am just so tired of actually taking life seriously.

i realize my wants actually shifted to me wanting that cozy apartment all to myself. that i don't actually mind coming home to a beautifully furnished empty home. maybe i get a cat that i'll name channel. not needing to feel obligated to meet up with anyone. having and knowing someone loves me. not having a care in the world. free. free from all obligations. free from all the knowledge of having to do this and that, this way and that way. listening to people talk about how life should be that how i ought to think about this and that. it just makes life such a job, and i'm sick and tired of all the crap cause seriously i think life is much more simple than everyone else makes it out to be.

i realize i want to strip everything away and just start afresh. new friends, new personality, new place... i want to pack up my bags and just leave reality forever. maybe i really do need that year gap to find myself.

" O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways."